I first covered the terrifying Maldivian homeland situation in an earlier post on my other blog.  It seemed strange that I had not been contacted by government officials from either Molokai or the Maldives to update me with status of their exodus.  I figured that it made the most sense to give them a nudge in the right direction.  This was sent to the Maldivian Information Ministry, the Maldivian Office of the President, and the Maui Planning Commission.  I hope those crazy kids can work it out…

A warm aloha to the Maui Planning Commission and Assalaam u alaykum to the Maldivian Information Ministy,

I realize that this note is a bit unusual, but I felt that an introduction between your two fine organizations was long overdue.  Some explanation is clearly in order.  I was reading the news this morning and an interesting note on the Maldives caught my eye.  Maldivian President Nasheed has begun setting aside a portion of the nation’s tourism revenue to start buying land.  Specifically, land to be a new Maldivian homeland.

It seems that most of the islands comprising the country sit no more than 4 feet above sea level.  Rising oceans as a result of global warming threaten to swamp the island nation entirely.

I would like to offer my own humble suggestion as to where the Maldivian population might relocate: the Hawaiian island of Molokai. This actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it.

- Fishing is a primary industry of the Maldives so an island is in order

- The Maldives only have a land area of 115 square miles. Molokai is 260 square miles. It would be nice for the Maldivians to be able to stretch their legs.

- Molokai is only sparsely populated.  The entire resident population is only 7000 versus the 300,000 in the Maldives.

- Molokai just can’t seem to make a go of tourism despite it’s natural beauty and proximity to Honolulu.  The last major tourist draw, Molokai Ranch, recently closed leaving most of Molokai’s population on government assistance.  The Maldivians clearly understand solid tourism marketing and service fundamentals given their booming tourist industry.

So that’s my thought.  President Nasheed, consider Molokai as the warm waters of the Indian Ocean lap menacingly at your shores.  Molokai Planning Commission, consider extending an invitation to the Maldivian people for at least an extended visit.

Sincerely,

Steve P.

We’ve all felt the overwhelming pain of a messed up drive through order.  How complicated can it possibly be when the process has been reduced to ordering by number?  This letter went out to Carl’s Jr.’s online contact form in response to their attempt to pollute the temple that is my body with a Diet Coke.  I’ll post the response when/if it comes in.

Dear Carl’s Jr.,

I’m concerned about the treatment of your customers by your drive through staff.  I went to your drive thru this weekend and was given a Diet Coke instead of the regular coke I ordered.  I specifically ordered a regular coke and the cashier repeated regular coke back to me.  The receipt clearly said regular coke. I’d include a picture of the receipt but it got covered in bbq sauce and sour cream (I like to put sour cream on my burgers when I get home).  But she gave me a diet.

Here’s what I think happened.  I think she’s trying to tell me something.  I’m 5′ 1″ and weigh about 320 pounds, but she has no right to try to switch me to diet.  I’m big and beautiful and like the way I am aside from the sweating and chaffing.  My doctor keeps telling me I should switch to diet but that’s ok because he’s a doctor (I suppose there is a chance she has been talking to my doctor).  Anyway, that’s not a very nice thing for her to do; implying that I’m morbidly obese and whatnot.

So I ask you, as someone who spends a lot of money on fast food, what are you going to do about this?

Sincerely,

Steve P.